his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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