I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
