there's paper in my vomit.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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