I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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