Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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