I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
