The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My vagina is officially offended.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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