I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
