all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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