I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
