so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
