Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
