The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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