Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
