guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I hope mine doesn't look like that
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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