She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
