How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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