I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
