my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
