I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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