Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
