Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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