eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
