i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
