Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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