My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
