My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize