He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
