foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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