matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize