Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Randomize
