i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
