Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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