WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
