Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
