went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
