On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Did I show you my penis last night?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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