She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
