He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
