Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
