We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
