I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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