i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize