I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
