On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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