What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
