i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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