I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
