after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
