ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
