She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
