You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
