So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
