I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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