I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
