Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
