sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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