I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
