I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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