so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
