somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
